You Don't Have to Suffer by Judy Tatelbaum

Author:Judy Tatelbaum
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse
Published: 2012-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

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DENYING OUR NEEDS

This above all: to thine own self be true . . .

SHAKESPEARE, HAMLET

O ur greatest power over our lives comes from our ownership or our embracing of all that we are, our accepting that we need love and to be loved, to be nurtured, to express ourselves, to be noticed and acknowledged and more. Yet, most of us do not accept these needs in ourselves. It may take courage, and we may need help learning to do so. Invariably our needs are all the more evident to us after we suffer a hurt or trauma. If we cannot accept and respond to our needs, especially during distressing times, our recovery will be slow or even stalemated.

What stops us from accepting our needs is that most of us seem to be embarrassed or even ashamed to have any emotional requirements. Just the word “need” seems to have a negative connotation for many of us. We often hold “needs” as bad or childish or as reflecting emotional problems, so we do our best to deny or repress or conceal our needs from ourselves and everyone else. However, what we try to bury usually does not simply disappear, but most likely quietly persists without our awareness of it. Then our concealed needs emerge, sometimes in unexpected or embarrassing or disturbing ways. We suddenly cry inappropriately, or we are hurt by something insignificant, or we hang on too tightly to someone who resents it. We talk too much or “show off.” No matter how we try, we cannot run away from our needs. We would do best to face our needs head-on.

We accentuate our suffering when we disown our needs. Because we have the idea that as adults we should be finished with many of our emotional requirements, we hide from any emotional needs and cover them up with denials and pretenses. This is costly behavior because it alienates us from ourselves and our pain, causes problems in other areas, like our relationships, health, and vitality, and makes resolving painful experiences difficult, if not impossible.

We will have emotional needs forever. If we could learn to allow, accept, and find ways to satisfy our needs, life and the upsetting events in life would be so much easier to bear. No longer having to pretend or keep up our guard, we could find the means to support and empower ourselves to recover from and be complete with the traumatic times. Day-to-day life could be easier as well. Of all the needs we have, the need to be taken care of is the most persistent and often the hardest to accept.

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